Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP

2) WON'T RUN AWAY

3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[turbo.vixen]

Trent, Matt and Nick were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. Trent makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

Matt makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So Trent and Matt are walking around with their monsters of women when they see Nick walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. Trent and Matt say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

Nick nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to Trent and Matt, "I lied."

[hafadude]

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[turbo.vixen]

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?

A: He got the gas bill.

[turbo.vixen]

do we have a brain teaser thread?

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.

Q2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?

Q3 I'm afraid I answered 5000 to this question: I may have to ban myself from watching the programme. The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator.

Q4 Nunu? Nana? Nene? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.

[Rhino1980]

GTO

Get'cher Tools Out

You forgot "Get Tickets Often"

[Kimberley Scott]

http://www.inquisitr.com/26696/russian-bla...-raping-10-men/

[turbo.vixen]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes .. ;

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

__________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?

________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

_____________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[FPV6T]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which Murphy replies: "You thick sh*t - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the friggin boat"!!!

[tab]

One for Buffy...

Modern day medicine

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can

take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for

work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,

put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can

take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both

looking for work in two weeks.'

An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we

recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra

and twelve months on, about half the country is looking for work.'