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Post your jokes about anything or even something that happened to you that was pretty funny or even something you saw..

City Driving Rules

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real city driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when driving in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last availabe exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Using an on/off ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway traffic drops below 10 m.p.h.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in most metro areas.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster if he was in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving thanks to state DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good insurance.

Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.

Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Pedestrians caught in the cross-walk when the light changes are fair game. Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.

It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a city street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.

Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick. He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..."

Part Two

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop

and is carrying the familiar'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun. "Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider..."

It gets worse!!!.............

Part Three

After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus

parrotshooting- and now you fockin' hen gliding....."

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Two blonds were out shopping, and one of them sees her boyfriend walking in to the local florist. O no she says, John is buying me flowers again. Whats wrong with that says the friend? Well now he'll expect me to lay on my back with my legs in the air all weekend! Friend replys, well, dont you have any vases

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This is a photo taken outside the Augusta National Golf course recently. The ladies were there trying to force the course to allow lady members.

The man standing at the back could be the bravest man ever (orange sign). :lol:

post-4-1054696289.jpg

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The mole story.....

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole

to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Gee, all I can smell

is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES!

:drivingalong:

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than

on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a

large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. :drivingalong:

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Ok Ok - No Jokes but I find these really funny.....

A pansy who lived in Khartoum

Took a lesb1@n up to his room,

And they argued all night

Over who had the right

To do what, and with which, and to whom.

_______________________________________

There once was a man from Peru,

who fell asleep in a canoe,

while dreaming of venus,

he played with his p@n1s,

and woke up with a hand full of goo.

Ok that's enough me thinks, and NO I did not write these....

But if you want more

http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/naughty/

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Heres some automotive acronyms. Yes theres Ford ones too. Enjoy

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Waste

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Bavarian Manure Wagon

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

b**ch Magnet on Wheels

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Chews Heads, Eats Valves, Runs Only Low ET's

Can Handle Everything, Runs Over Limbs, Even Trees

DODGE

Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dead On Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

Fix It All the Time

Fix It Again, Tony!

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fault Of R&D

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

F**ker Only Runs Downhill

F***ed Over Rebuilt Dodge

First On Rust and Deterioration

First On Recall Day

First On Race Day

Fails On Race Day

Fails On Rainy Days

backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot

Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

GM

General Maintenance

Generally Mediocre

Gypped Me

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

Gotta Mechanic Coming?

God's Mechanical Curse

GrandMother's C**t

GTO

Get'cher Tools Out

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything Else

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

JEEP

Just Empty Every Pocket

Just Everyone Else's Parts

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MOPAR

My Old Pig Ain't Running

Most Original Parts Already Replaced

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO

Put In Nickel To Operate

PLYMOUTH

Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood

PONTIAC

Poor Ole Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

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'Quoted' Not actually me. :thumbsup:

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have

any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown,wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least presentable.I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an

extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

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'Quoted' Not actually me. :thumbsup:

Yeah yeah, common mate, might as well come out of the closet sooner or later :D

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Three couples, one elderly, one middle aged and one newlywed, present to the local priest, asking to join his congregation!

The priest replies "that should be OK, but as we have had a lot of applications recently, we have decided to put new applicants through a small test! "What sort of test" ask the couples, "well I want you all to abstain from sex for two weeks, and then come back and tell me how you went" replies the priest.

Two weeks pass, and the first couple to come to the priest, is the elderly couple, "how did you go" asks the priest, "no problem" replies the guy, two weeks was easy!

"Welcome to the congregation" replies the priest.

Next is the middle aged couple, "how did you go" asks the priest. "Well replies the guy, the first week was easy, but the second week, I had to sleep on the couch just to make sure, but we got through the two weeks OK" "Welcome to the congregation" replies the priest

Last it is the newlywed couple, and again the priest ask "how did you go" the young man looks down slightly embarassed, "well the first week was quite easy, but then on the 11th day, my wife dropped a can of peas on the floor, and as she stood there in front of me, bent over and everything, lust just got the better of me, and I had to have her there and then", "well I am sorry to hear that son, I am afraid you will not be welcome in our congregation!" "No" replies the young man, "Coles are not too keen to see us again either!!" :)

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THREE BLONDES - A bloke goes into dimly lit bar and after a couple of drinks decides to start a conversation with the female seated beside him at the bar. He asks her would she like to hear a blonde joke. The woman jumps off her stool and towers over the guy saying " Listen here buddy, Im blonde, I'm 6'2" tall, weigh 210 lbs and am a professional wrestler. My two girlfriends are also blonde and are even taller and heavier than me and one is the world champion kick boxer, so do you really want to tell a blonde joke right now?"

"Naw", the guy replies, "not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times"

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What about this image.

Careful, it may offend some viewers. There I said it. You have been warned.

Moderators, be kind. I couldn`t help myself.

hehe....It is Ford related.....Kind of.

post-4-1054730662.jpg

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This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife.

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife, perhaps the ugliest, meanest woman ever.

The pharmacist blushes and replies,"I am sorry Sir, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

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One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some @rsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the Manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?"

"Melbourne, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Melbourne," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and AFL players down there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Melbourne!" The boy replied,

"No sh*t??? Who did she play for?"

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What about this image.

Careful, it may offend some viewers.  There I said it.  You have been warned.

Moderators, be kind.  I couldn`t help myself.

hehe....It is Ford related.....Kind of.

Now that's just plain distrubing!!!!

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