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Joke Of The Day


XRSICKT

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  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
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  • Member For: 21y 2m 4d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Sydney, south west

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife.

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife, perhaps the ugliest, meanest woman ever.

The pharmacist blushes and replies,"I am sorry Sir, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

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  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
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  • Location: Sydney, south west

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

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  • I see red
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  • Member For: 21y 2m 7d
  • Location: nowhere in particular

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some @rsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the Manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?"

"Melbourne, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Melbourne," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and AFL players down there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Melbourne!" The boy replied,

"No sh*t??? Who did she play for?"

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  • Gandalf the Grey, Maiar of Manwë and Varda, Team HgAg/Sneaky
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  • Location: The Shire, Middle Earth
What about this image.

Careful, it may offend some viewers.  There I said it.  You have been warned.

Moderators, be kind.  I couldn`t help myself.

hehe....It is Ford related.....Kind of.

Now that's just plain distrubing!!!!

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  • I'm Back!! Thats right, long over due! :)
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  • Member For: 21y 3m 20d
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  • Location: West Brisbane

I know it's disturbing......Hahaha, glad I could be of assistance. :lol:

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  • Flaccid Member
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  • Member For: 20y 9m 3d
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  • Location: NOONAMAH, go figure.....

AH! Automotive poetry, here's some of mine:

Alfa's built by silly wogs

leaky carbs and clogged up cogs

twisted and tangled are the wires

all positioned for starting fires

Maloo's made for men with dogs

and brains the same as retard frogs

Two seats to use are just to few

silly twits without a clue

Landrovers aren’t for city streets

you stupid bints with pearls and pleats

give in your licence, go catch a train

and while you're at it, grow a brain.

A V8 commadore's the car to pick

for those of you with a tiny pr*ck

It's big and fast and tough and mean

just the way you wish to be seen

XE falcons, all the rage

if your slack and underage

afraid you can't afford to buy her?

all you need's a piece of wire.

Landcruiser Trayback, the mining car

twin diesel tanks will take you far

packed with charm and many tricks

same as they were in '86

A Magna is for those who strive,

to one day a real car drive

It is another boring box

Mitsubishi, on you a pox!

Honda's bought for seeking class:

better off, look for your arse

for if you think this cars the trick

you must be all mighty thick.

The new Monaro have you seen her?

have you got a lame berlina?

weld up two doors then change your dash

have one too for half the cash.

Hilux's are for those unique

a new turn to life they wish too seek

it's sure to change how you are feeling

when it's resting on it's ceiling

Hyunadis here and everywhere

when you drive one have a care

if you park it at the stores

try to remember which one's yours.

Mercedes Benz, the German car

you can buy one, if your a star

they'll look at you all so waxy

but in Beurit it's just a taxi

a BMW's a car of class

made for men that take it up the arse

they equiped the fokker wulf

now they equip the f**king poof.

the Xtype jag for young and rich

Yuppie w*nkers with attendant b**ch

people buy 'em to be a lord

but underneath, it's just a ford.

Volvo's are a car miss-named

Vulva's how they should be famed

if you take the time to hunt

you'll find one there with every **nt.

Saab's cost heaps, to buy new

front wheel drive piece of poo

try to sell it the next day

half the value's flown away.

then there's the WRX subaru,

ram raidings what they're made to do

the wagon version passes the test

stolen goods fit in it the best

ALL in good fun! I've owned some of these myself

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  • Member
  • Member For: 20y 10m 9d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Sydney
What about this image.

Careful, it may offend some viewers. There I said it. You have been warned.

Moderators, be kind. I couldn`t help myself.

hehe....It is Ford related.....Kind of.

Nice cars!

why are there always models in the way when you're trying to look at a nice car

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  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
  • Donating Members
  • Member For: 21y 2m 4d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Sydney, south west

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. "What should I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said,the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poked his wife with the hatpin yet again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?", as Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that phucking thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

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  • Member
  • Member For: 20y 11m 5d
  • Location: Perth

Tiger Woods was driving his new BMW in country USA when he had to stop for petrol in a small hick town. As the gas station attendant was filling the car he commented on how nice the colour was, how shiney the wheels were and then on looking inside he noticed a couple of tees sitting in the console. Not knowing anything about golf he asked Tiger "what are those funny looking things there?" Tiger replied they were for resting his balls on while driving. The attendant the exclaimed "that damn BMW they think of everything don't they!!"

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