THE PRIEST & THE ROOSTER

I'll certainly get my share of "Hail Mary's" for sending this on but the devil made me do it.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster

and ten hens

he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass,

he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village,

so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen

MY

cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

.

Today's lesson

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story

before you interrupt!

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental.

So tempted to email that around the office to the half-dozen sheilas that seem to be going through an oil-change right now

Got it from someone in the office - looking at the email, there were no female recipients. Funny that!

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, was in her eighties

and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Suppositories- GOOD ONE!!!

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom

door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed

suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter

what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the

doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - and

I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he

probably wasn't very gentle with you.

Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on

his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and

easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly

lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it,

he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental.

hahaha I got this the other day at work

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!!.