Joke Of The Day

[XR68UZ]

I was thinking it was a pen*s?

[tab]

[XR6TT]

I got epelepsy from reading that post

[Fat-Tony]

What am I?

I AM

8

INCHES

LONG.

MY FUNCTIONING IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

I AM

USUALLY FOUND HUNG,

DANGLING

LOOSLEY

READY FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

I BOAST A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

A SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE

I AM

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

I AM

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME

FROM

MY

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

I AM

RETURNED

TO

MY

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST,

READY

FOR YET

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING MY

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER !

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

TOOTHBRUSH.........

What were you

Thinking?

←

so this is what the quote button does

[veczar]

My toothbrush isn't 8"s hmmm

[markxr6t]

I enjoyed this one:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play along."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcommer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.

"I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute,, that's my neighbour in there with her..........He's naked, too!!! The*********!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me or not?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend inpatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

[XR68UZ]

hahaha!

[Fat-Tony]

[Dagabond]

Differences between Women and Men

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call

each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a

$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on

sale.

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband

asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Dagabond]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."