Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Ex-President Clinton steps off his private jet with a piglet under his arm. A smiling assistant greets the former president. The conversation went like this:

Assistant: Nice pig you got there Sir.

Clinton: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.

Assistant: Nice trade Sir!

[Blown BA]

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

"That cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

[Blown BA]

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

[Falchoon]

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the house.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?"

"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

[turbotom]

HOW CLEVER IS THIS DUDE

This poster was released in the mid 80s and prompted a total recall of all posters because of the picture painted in ice-cubes at bottom right corner -

The graphic artist who designed the picture put this in as a joke, and it went through unnoticed until someone spotted it on the back of a Coke truck as it was driving around Adelaide.

The artist lost his job and was sued, and all promotional material had to be recalled and destroyed.

Very rare and hard to get hold of - released in South Australia in mid '80s.

[Blown BA]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help

me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it

started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a

rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all

over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be

able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's

have a cup of coffee , then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these

Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Blown BA]

A married man had a small box under his bed, that he had told his wife never to open.

One day she was so curious that she broke down and looked in it anyway. She found two beer bottles and $5,000 in cash. The next night while they were lying in bed, she asked her husband about the beer bottles.

After stammering around, he finally answered: "They're for every time I've been unfaithful to you."

Initially, she was upset but she thought to herself: "Two is not so bad."

But then she remembered the $5,000 in cash and asked him about that.

"Oh, that?" he replied. "That's the money I made from recycling all the other bottles."

[Blown BA]

A man was walking around a new town, looking for a place to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called "Anything You Want". A notice on the window read "We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have it, you will be paid $200".

Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table. The waitress came over to take his order. He said "I'll have roast elephant on rye bread, hold the mayo."

She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair and walked into the kitchen.

All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking. The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out. He put two one-hundred dollar bills on the table, and said "I can't believe it. I've been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I've run out of rye bread!"

[tab]

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to

get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends

encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing

bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective

sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low

cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many

a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did

it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked

me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I

arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had

feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not

really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me!

just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I

was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going

upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up

and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties

and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then

turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and

stepped out of the house and walked out straight toward my car. My

future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he

hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little

test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to

the family!" The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[tab]

One word - wrong.