I failed my health & safety test other day as the question was, in the event of a fire what steps do you take? I wrote f***n massive ones. Apparently that wasn't correct

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full...............

One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Ballerina Barbie for $19....95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 Skater Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER

OH No !!! He has a sister ????????????

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,

Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

What part of your body goes to heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her

class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your

hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think

It’s your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her

Face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your

Feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom

the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she

was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.

Want to know where our tax money is going geeeeeez

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster from up in Canada for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit.

Similar to the wooden horse...wooden sh*t.

I'm stealing that for my "Dad's Jokes" to be used at a later date Ciaran...