I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eyelid in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.”

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!

36

Have been accused of spousal abuse

7

Have been arrested for fraud

19

Have been accused of writing bad cheques

117

Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3

Have done time for assault

71,

Repeat

71

Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14

Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8

Have been arrested for shoplifting

21

Currently

Are defendants in lawsuits and

84

Have been arrested for drunk driving

In

The last year

Can you guess which organization this is? AFL? NRL?

Give up yet? .. . ..

Scroll down

Neither,

it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage...

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a

torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 kph, so I pulled back into the garage,

turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went

back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I

cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started...

Edited February 9, 201016 yr by BionicXR6T

Language Teaching

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and

he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch willie, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a

20 inch willie, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Mother of Jesus,

I thought you said, Turn around!"

What Tiger should have said..........

To my wife, I'm sorry. I f*cked up.... but I'm not changing... so you'll either need to put up with this sh*t or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup....sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care....sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop putts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You c*cksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. F*ck all ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullsh*t questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherf*ckers come out ripping me when I've put more f*cking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-f*cking-Parnavik? Give me a f*cking break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today folks.....see ya at Augusta !....Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

What's worse than waking up with a lump in your throat ?

Finding a string attached to the end.

How did the *beep* find out his boyfriend was cheating on him ?

One night he came home sh*tfaced .

OH THOSE IRISH

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do It Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen", you hit her with the shovel.'

q: what do you call a dear with no eye?

a: no idear