Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[pizza_sleek]

1 Nasty Rio :lol:

[JJ_Phantom]

A few things to make Christmas slightly less craptacular:

http://web.dkm.cz/koplih/htf/Kringle%20Presents.swf

http://web.dkm.cz/koplih/htf/Kringle%20Tree.swf

http://web.dkm.cz/koplih/htf/Kringle%20Bells.swf

http://web.dkm.cz/koplih/htf/Kringle%20Feast.swf

http://web.dkm.cz/koplih/htf/Kringle%20Karoling.swf

[HellionXR6T]

Hahaha,

Be careful and check all images before posting a picture. Here's a classic example. It's yet

[JJ_Phantom]

Everyones probably either seen these before or know by heart, but with summer coming on...

Subject: FW: STANDARD BACKYARD CRICKET RULES

>

> Can't Get Out First Ball : Curious rule introduced to give the token

> unco bas*ard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their

> reverse sweep which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it

> to hone their beamer.

>

> Caught Behind: Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in

> the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant

> dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

>

> One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can

> dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first

> bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it

> means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More

> importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.

>

> No LBW : When no umpires are av ailable (or trustworthy), the onl y

> option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen

> shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer frame.

>

> Six And Out (Then Fetch It) : Introduced to combat space and energy

> restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler

> living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.

>

> ESSENTIAL ITEMS -

>

> Esky : Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the

> shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it

> holds the beer.

>

> Balls : A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some

> pissed smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence.

> Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it

> more swing than Austin Powers.

>

> Dog : Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every

> ball, including those that dissapear under the h ouse or thorny bushes.

> Th e downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male

> Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight

> afterwards.

>

> Rubbish Bin : It would be nice to think you can clean up your own

> mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.

>

> Bat : Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the

> handle, it's usually of 1980's vintage, with a fake signature of Allan

> Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.

>

> CODE OF ETHICS -

>

> Stumps : The game draws to a close when,

>

> a) your pissed host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run

> out of gas,

> B) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it dissapears down the

> drain, or

> c) your girlfriend cracks the sh*ts and wants to go home because you

> "become a bas*ard" when you hang around with your mates.

>< BR>> Flower Damage : Any respe ctful male will cringe and help hide the fact

> that you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the

> universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species.

>

> Spilt Beer : Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely

> and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat

> prompts sh*tloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one

> while you're at it!"

>

> No Running Between Wickets : Every backyard cricket specialist should

> know this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask

> Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the f#$ck are you supposed to run in

> thongs?

>

> Courtesy Call : Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually

> say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow.

> You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending

> this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if

> they're chopping wood. And they can't handle yorkers.

[GlennAUII]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[GlennAUII]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[GlennAUII]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breas*s and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - that's why I am here!"

[GlennAUII]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[Dagabond]

Hu's On First?

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.

George B: - Good, send her in.

Secretary: - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.

George B: - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?

Condoleeza: - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.

George B: - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.

Condoleeza: - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.

George B: - Well, that's what I want to know.

Condoleeza: - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.

George B: - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?

Condoleeza: - Yes.

George B: - I mean the fellow's name.

Condoleeza: - Hu.

George B: - The guy in China.

Condoleeza: - Hu.

George B: - The new leader of China.

Condoleeza: - Hu.

George B: - The Chinaman!

Condoleeza: - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.

George B: - Whaddya' asking me for?

Condoleeza: - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George B: - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?

Condoleeza: - That's the man's name.

George B: - That's who's name?

Condoleeza: - Yes.

(Pause.)

George B: - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condoleeza: - Yes, sir.

George B: - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condoleeza: - That's correct.

George B: - Then who is in China?

Condoleeza: - Yes, sir.

George B: - Yassir is in China?

Condoleeza: - No, sir.

George B: - Then who is?

Condoleeza: - Yes, sir.

George B: - Yassir?

Condoleeza: - No, sir.

(Pause. Crumples paper)

George B: - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.

Condoleeza: - Kofi Annan?

George B: - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.

Condoleeza: - You want Kofi?

George B: - No.

Condoleeza: - You don't want Kofi.

George B: - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condoleeza: - Yes, sir.

George B: - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.

Condoleeza: - Kofi?

George B: - Milk! Will you please make that call?

Condoleeza: - And call who?

George B: - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?

Condoleeza: - No, Hu is the guy in China.

George B: - Will you stay out of China?!

Condoleeza: - Yes, sir.

George B: - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condoleeza: - Kofi.

George B: - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza: - Hello. Rice, here.

George B: - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.