"A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

"Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein

"I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" - Tom Clancy.

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Peter Kaye.

"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them." - Johann von Neumann

"Never waste a lie when the truth will do." - Jack Clancy

"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

"Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." - Heinlein

43% of all statistics are worthless.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

A gentleman is a patient wolf.

A good pun is its own reword.

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

A witty saying proves nothing.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.

Attitude determines your altitude.

Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Batteries not included.

Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.

Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.

Be naughty - save santa the trip.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.

Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.

Best viewed on my computer.

Better late than really late.

Between two evils always pick the one you haven't tried.

Biology grows on you.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Clones are people two.

Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.

Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.

Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Don't believe everything you think.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.

Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.

Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).

Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

Elevators smell different to midgets.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.

Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.

Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Failure teaches success.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Friendly fire - isn't.

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Frog blast the vent core!

Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.

Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.

God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Half the people you know are below average.

Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I can't spell and beer doesn't help.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I have a strong will but a weak won't.

I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I only drink to make other people more sociable.

I prefer old age to the alternative.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your ass.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.

If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.

If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.

If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!

If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we don't protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.

If you're happy, you're successful.

If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

It's like deja vu all over again.

It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.

It's people that give drinking a bad name.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Life exists for no known purpose.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.

Life's a bleach and then you dye.

Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Lunix... Because I'm better than you.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.

Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.

Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

Only users lose drugs.

Optimist: Someone without much experience.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.

Rehab is for quitters.

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.

Send lawyers, guns and money!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Spelling is a lossed art.

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best things in life aren't things.

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The future will be better tomorrow.

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

The only certain thing in life is death.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

The revolution will not be televised.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can't.

There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

There is no time like the pleasant.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Think much, Speak little, Write less.

This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.

This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.

To generalize is to be an idiot.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Too much of everything is just enough.

Tracers work both ways.

Trying is failing with honors.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.

Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.

Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows ME.

Welcome what you can't avoid.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

When it's dark enough you can see the stars.

When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

With a rubber duck, you're never alone.

With sufficient thrust, cops fly just fine.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Worry is a misuse of the imagination.

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You don't have to explain something you never said.

You don't learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.

You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Know any more good ones?????????????????

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Contents may have settled out of court.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

Insurance Stories

Interview Fun

One Liners

Learn This!

Real Acronyms

Light Bulbs

Not A Kid Anymore

Wrong Lyrics

Experience

Mall Facts

Answering Machines

Men's Rules

American Barbecue

Men vs. Women

Never

The Odds

Real Odds

Are You Old?

Oxymorons

Palindromes

Pickup Lines

How To Change Oil

Politically Correct

Pool Ball

Pregnant Men

Proverbs

Puns

Famous Quotes

Rita Rudner

Science Fun

Yogi Berra

Signs

School Excuses

Country Songs

State Mottos

Stir Fry Recipe

Telemarketers

Crisis Thoughts

Teen Poverty

Wal-Mart Fun

Sick Employees

What Women Say

Why?

The Woman's Code

Women Employees

Work Thoughts

Ralph Wiggum

Employee Handbook

Steven Wright

Funny2 Philosophy

Edited 21/10/07 12:36 PM21/10/07 12:36 PM by Blonk

"If it taste good, DRINK IT!", Judd Crompton.

What do you call a Kangaroo on drugs?........Joey

christ on a crotch Blonk, you need to get out more!!!!

There is no avoiding war, it can only be postponed to the advantage of your enemy - Machiavelli

Oppurtunities multiply as they are seized - Sun Tzu

Treat captured soldiers well - Sun Tzu

Remorse is a useless emotion - Dan Steel

Edited 21/10/07 01:48 PM21/10/07 01:48 PM by Superdan

Silence is golden. Now STFU. - newl

touche good sir!

"Rip's patches is probably banned when you read this"

"Thank god they found me Viagra and not me Crack" - Ben Cousins

a motto for an alcoholic mental patient:

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!"

I'm not fat, theres just more of me to love.

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value - Albert Einstein

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting

Power is like Money, the more you get to more you want.

Edited 21/10/07 11:23 PM21/10/07 11:23 PM by XR6T3K