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Another one...Anyone with religious beliefs should maybe not open this.

"It is funny but".....

:lol:

post-4-1054942721.jpg

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Starting to understand where the SICK in XRSICKT comes from.... :lol:

Hehehe :lol:

Couldn't agree more. The extra wide load in the ford ute seems mild in comparison. Hell at least I gave you all a warning....lol.

That was sick <_< I'll never have onion rings from Hungry Jacks again.

OK try this one. It's an oldie but it's probably something I'd do in the same circumstance...lol.

Ok, from now om, I'll give you all a warning. <_<

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the f##king b@lls to pull the trigger."

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One for the golfers out there ...

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?

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Just add up the points boys.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when

dealing

with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand

just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman

happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she

dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing

something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the

game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

In the snow .....+8

But return with beer.....-5

And no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5

You pummel it with a six iron.....+10

It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party.....0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College

drinking buddy.....-2

Named Tiffany.....-4

Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday.....0

You buy a card and flowers.....0

You take her out to dinner.....0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the

colors of your favorite team ...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.....0

The pal is happily married.....+1

The pal is single.....-7

He drives a Ferrari.....-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....+2

You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

You take her to a movie you hate.....+6

You take her to a movie you like.....-2

It's called Death Cop III.....-3

Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly &exercise to get rid of it.....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts.....-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding.....-10

You reply, "Where?".....-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100

Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION: When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0

You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying"well, what

do you think I should do?".....-100

You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk.....-100

You don't talk.....-150

You spend time with her......-200

You don't spend time with her.....-500

You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

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Just add up the points boys.

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

The concise version, based on life experience..................... :lol: :lol:

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The Pope was walking around the Vatican one day feeling abit naughty. He decided to pop behind a pillar and have a fiddle with his Papel staff. When he was just about to hit the gravy stroke a tourist came around the corner and not being able to help him self took a photo of old John Paul in all his handjob glory. " You can't print that!!!!! I'll pay anything, anything you want" After along drawn out haggle they came to a price and the tourist agreed to hand over the camera film and all. Afew hours later a priest walked into the Popes office to find him holding this camera and looking very worried. " Whats up Sir?" the priest asked. " I just brought this camera off a tourist " " Really " the priest exclamed " how much did it cost?" " $8000 dollars " the Pope replied. "My God!" the priest replied " He must have seen you comming "

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Diagnosis: AAADD

I have been diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder -

These are the symptoms:

I decide to wash the car; I head towards the garage but spot the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I better go through the mail.

I put the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the garbage tin is full.

OK, I'll just put the accounts on the desk and take the garbage out, but since I'm going to be near the letterbox anyway, I'll pay these few accounts first.

Now, where is my cheque book?

Bugger, there's only one cheque left! My extra cheques are in my desk.

Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques.

But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, or maye I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head off towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I put the Coke on the counter and there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill container with water and head for the flower pots.

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen.

We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote back onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do.

END OF THE DAY:

The car isn't washed, the accounts are unpaid, the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the cheque book still only has one cheque in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try

to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG! I realize this is a serious condition And I'll get help, but first I'll check my e-mail.

SEND THIS TO ANYONE YOU THINK NEEDS IT, BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I'VE SENT THIS TO. BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND IT BACK TO ME OR I MIGHT SEND IT TO YOU AGAIN!!!!!!!!

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The

doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never

felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my

child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a

friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day

when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his

umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a

prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised

his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly. :thumbsup:

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What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly. :thumbsup:

hehehe, good one :lol: :thumbsup:

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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her

first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the

owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on

in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and

a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been

trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant

three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million

dollars a year for the rest of my life."

No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long,

healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and

natural disasters!"

And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a

thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune,

and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good

fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you".

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying

each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled

over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and

asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks

"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "and that's also on special

today."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the

stand in a trial, a grand-motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and

asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to

me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you're a rising big-shot when you haven't the

brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two bit

paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster too. I used to baby-sit him and he too has been a real

disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The

man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire State. Not to mention he cheated on his wife

with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also shocked and surprised. At this point, the

judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench,

and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she

knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

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