Jump to content

Joke Of The Day


XRSICKT

Recommended Posts

  • I see red
  • Member
  • Member For: 21y 3m 12d
  • Location: nowhere in particular

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Gandalf the Grey, Maiar of Manwë and Varda, Team HgAg/Sneaky
  • Member
  • Member For: 20y 8m 27d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: The Shire, Middle Earth
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

:banghead2: ... oh Steggels, how could you ... :veryangry:

:censored:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Xtreme Xalted Member
  • Donating Members
  • Member For: 20y 10m 23d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: BrisVegas
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete" the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well" says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre" said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

Falchoon my man, you're coming along just nicely........ :veryangry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Gandalf the Grey, Maiar of Manwë and Varda, Team HgAg/Sneaky
  • Member
  • Member For: 20y 8m 27d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: The Shire, Middle Earth
Falchoon my man, you're coming along just nicely........ :k24t:

Now how did I know that you'd find that amusing ... :banghead2: :veryangry:

:censored:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Xtreme Xalted Member
  • Donating Members
  • Member For: 20y 10m 23d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: BrisVegas

A likely lad was chatting up a chicky.

He says. " I'll bet you five dollars I can kiss you but our lips will never touch"

Naturally, being a bit sceptical she says. 'Well ok, but just a little touch on the lips"

So she closes her eyes and the guy gives her a little kiss.

"Hang on" she says, "Our lips touched"

"Sorry" he says and hands over the five dollars. She smiles and goes along with the joke.

"Now" he says. " I'll bet you ten dollars we can make love and our bodies will never touch..................... :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Xtreme Xalted Member
  • Donating Members
  • Member For: 20y 10m 23d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: BrisVegas
Falchoon my man, you're coming along just nicely........ :sick:

Now how did I know that you'd find that amusing ... :blink: :banghead:

:k24t:

God.....am I that transparent...... :blush:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Gandalf the Grey, Maiar of Manwë and Varda, Team HgAg/Sneaky
  • Member
  • Member For: 20y 8m 27d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: The Shire, Middle Earth
God.....am I that transparent...... :banghead:

:blush:

:blink:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Bored Member
  • Administrator
  • Member For: 21y 4m 14d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Dé·jà vu

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof, hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed, hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?) :blink:

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while, hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that history was boring ! ! ! :banghead:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Bored Member
  • Administrator
  • Member For: 21y 4m 14d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Dé·jà vu

Invitation to a party.....

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

"Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a toffee apple."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Bored Member
  • Administrator
  • Member For: 21y 4m 14d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Dé·jà vu

Letters to god from dogs.....

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!

Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we ! get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to

apologize?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
  • Create New...
'