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Joke Of The Day


XRSICKT

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  • Forum Superhero
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  • Member For: 20y 4m 1d
  • Location: Eastern Suburbs of Mexico

A flatlander walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The flatlander is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the flatlander says, "What's that noise?"

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  • Forum Superhero
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  • Member For: 20y 4m 1d
  • Location: Eastern Suburbs of Mexico

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were

pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

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  • Forum Superhero
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  • Member For: 20y 4m 1d
  • Location: Eastern Suburbs of Mexico

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the pen*s to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his pen*s.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

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  • Forum Superhero
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  • Member For: 20y 4m 1d
  • Location: Eastern Suburbs of Mexico

Guy is in a bar and strikes up a conversation with a dumb blond.

"I'm curious, do you smoke after making love?" he asks.

She replies, "I dunno.....I've never looked" :spoton:

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

INTERVIEW QUESTION

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

***************************************************

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, you can never predict the answer of the candidate...

such as...

"To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for a drink."

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher,

can my mother get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

The little girl says, "Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get

pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and

says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits...

They are engaged for three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom and says, "I have bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our forst time to be all bloody!" John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer." Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling. "There's no use John," she said. "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is...having friends.

At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is...having sex.

At age 35, success is...having money.

At age 50, success is...having money.

At age 60, success is...having sex.

At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is...having friends.

At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

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  • In Your Face
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  • Member For: 21y 19d
  • Gender: Male
  • Location: Peninsula

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches & says. "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..."I'll be damned ----- my girlfriend's gone, too!!!"

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