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Joke Of The Day


XRSICKT

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  • I see red
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  • Member For: 21y 3m 11d
  • Location: nowhere in particular

Eve's Side of the Story

> After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to

> visit Eve.

>

> So, how is everything going? inquired God. It is all

> so beautiful, God, she replied. The sun rises and

> sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is

> wonderful.

>

> But I have just this one problem. It is these three

> breas*s that you have given me. The middle one pushes

> the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them

> with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them

> on bushes. They are a real pain, reported Eve.

>

>

> Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her

> body (such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in

> pairs,

> and she felt that having only two breas*s might leave

> her body more symmetrically balanced, as she put it.

>

> That is a fair point, replied God, but it was my

> first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six

> breas*s, so I figured that you needed only half of

> those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it

> up right away.

>

> God reached down, removed the middle breast, and

> tossed it into the bushes.

>

> Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve

> in the garden. Well, Eve, how is my favorite

> creation now? Just fantastic, she replied, but for

> one oversight on your part. You see all the animals

> are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has

> her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I

> feel so alone.

>

> God thought for a moment and said, You know, Eve,

> you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You

> do need a mate and I will immediately create a man

> from a part of you....Now let's see...Where did I put

> that useless boob?

>

> Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business

> about the rib?

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  • I see red
  • Member
  • Member For: 21y 3m 11d
  • Location: nowhere in particular

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and

asked what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said,"who ever heard of someone naming dogs like that??"

"Heloooooo", answered the blonde. "they're watch dogs!!!"

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  • I see red
  • Member
  • Member For: 21y 3m 11d
  • Location: nowhere in particular

Found this over at Perfdormance Forums, read it before but it's piss funny! :lol:

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the p*ssing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking

arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could

you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking

manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if

you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private

restaurant'.

'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of

sh*t, show me your c*nting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and

he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most

inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept

Hurting My cigar,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any

jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A W*nk Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls

Caught In The Soap Drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one

night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breas*s are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking

suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the

Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.

'Where's that b*stard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs

back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and

whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and tomatoes are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it

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