Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to 'go fly a kite'."

[Blown BA]

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day their gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

[Blown BA]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!

[Blown BA]

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For God sake, you as*hole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

[Blown BA]

It was a small town (Bowden?) and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them if they were stealing

the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said,"Then why don't you drive it away".

They said "We can't drive".

He said "Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car

here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting......

[Guest Scootre]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to

their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But

we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third

day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says "I want to see my horse." The Iindians get his horse. The cowboy

grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.

The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians

look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The

second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear,

then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked

redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow

... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This

last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my

lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[aniken]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

" Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand..

[aniken]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls' Night Out, but had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.

[aniken]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

[JB]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."