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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not

in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She

watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years

ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you

remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside

him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the

shot gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you

to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his

cheek and said

......"I would have gotten out today."

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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says...

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage doorshut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." B)

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Which would you choose?

Cake or bed?????

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

"honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He look at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ge written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"fine" , then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have

westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He says, "does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me

what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "hellooooo....do you see betty crocker written on my forehead?

I don't think so!"

:lol:

Edited by richdave

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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says...

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage doorshut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." B)

That is a great one, good one dude :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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TIPS FOR STRESS MANAGEMENT

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique

recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it

really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of

serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding

underwater.

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Don't know how well this will work, but here goes!

Person 1 Q. Did you hear of the Holywood actress killed in the New York reasturant yeserrday?

Person 2 A. No, who was it?

Person 1. You'll now her, that Reese bird who was in that movie "Legally Blond."

Person 2 Oh yes "Witherspoon"

Person 1 Not it was a knife you moron, how'd you kill someone with a spoon!

hehehe.

Scotty

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The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens

and one cockr ooster he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the

time the priest suspected cockfights occurred in the village, he decided

to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a

cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody

here seen my cock?"

All the choirboys stood up.

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A young couple was in their honeymoon suite

on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,

the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his

pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size

of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.

"I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said,

"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could

only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's

going to be until your damn attitude changes!" B)

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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all inthe bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.

A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.

Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's pen*s off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the pen*s smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!"

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A man crawls out of the desert and into a small village which has some

market stalls in the street.

He crawls up to the first one. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he cries.

'I'm sorry,' says the first stallholder, 'I only sell custard.'

The man crawls up to the second stall. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he

cries

'I'm sorry,' says the second stallholder, 'I only sell cream and sponge.'

The man then crawls up to a third stall. 'Water, water! Give me water!' he

cries.

'I'm sorry,' says the third stallholder, 'I only sell hundreds and

thousands.'

'I can't believe no one has any water,' says the man.

'I know,' says the stallholder, 'it is a trifle bazaar.'

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Little Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his train set. When the train stopped Johnny said "All you f*ckers who are getting off, get the f*ck off now. All of you f*ckers who are getting on, get your arses in the train cos we're leaving now. I'm not hanging the f*ck around for any slow, lazy bastards who can't be bothered pulling their f*cking finger out."

Johnny's mother explained to him that she would not accept that kind of language and sent him to his room for two hours so that he could consider his actions. She explained that when he came back out, he could play with his train - on the proviso - that he only use polite language.

Two hours later little Johnny leaves his bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon, the train stops and little Johnny says: "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on this service. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us...And for those of you who are pissed off about the two - hour delay, please see the b**ch in the kitchen"

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This is a great one, make sure you turn your speakers up a bit before openening file..

doesnt seem to work :blink:

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Worked for me. :lol:

Very thin line Sick!

But I'm laughin to hard to remove it. :LOL2:

The giggles are from a set of animated vids about 2 Aliens by the name of PT & JD worth a watch if you can find em.

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This is a great one, make sure you turn your speakers up a bit before openening file..

doesnt seem to work :o

May take a while to download on dial up, say about a minute or two, the file is about 600k or so, PM me you email address and I'll email it to you if you like. :)

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May take a while to download on dial up, say about a minute or two, the file is about 600k or so, PM me you email address and I'll email it to you if you like.  :)

thanks for the offer...I have cable.

I seem to have a problem with all things "flash" at the moment :o

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A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very

dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and

no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly

see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy,

without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door

to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started

slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.

Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't

come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand

appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy,

paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time

before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the

nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and

asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody

about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy

was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same

cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot

who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

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While walking down the street one day a female head of state is

tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven

and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems

there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,

you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is

have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then

you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the

head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her

to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf

course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her

friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is

very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and

reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense

of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on

lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very

friendly guy who

has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time

to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator

rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven

where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of

state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,

playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she

realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now

choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I

would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I

think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down,

down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends

dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The

Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her

neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was

here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and

caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland

full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were

campaigning....Today you voted for us!!"

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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.Was she pretty?"

"Dunno, never found the head."

:thumbsup:

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"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.Was she pretty?"

"Dunno, never found the head."

:thumbsup:

Sounds like something one of my former weirdo mates would do, he once got a live cat and tied it to a rail road and waited to see what would happen, he also tied a cat's tail to a big brick and put the poor thing in a pool. I was so pissed at him for being so cruel, I told him he should get himself checked out and never spoke to him again. :sick:

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